Let's all be cynical, non-chalant, lovesick primetime tv characters shall we?

I'm very comfortable distancing myself from the crowd sometimes, which would ultimately make me seem shy or reclusive when I don't have that burst of enthusiasm. Privacy is the closest thing i have to freedom right now, and I delve into my "me" moments alot. Cynicism is also a personality trait that may hinder my ability to connect on a deeper level with other people. Don't get me wrong i'm a total riot. Cracking jokes and sarcasm like no tomorrow. But i'm very cautious about the people around me. I've been this overly competitive, mindfully independent, uptight artsy hippie(opposites are seriously the only way to describe me), with a "I can do this on my own" kind of attitude, person. I'm not disparaging myself in any way. I love these characteristics. These chracteristics make me who I am, and who I will always be. I've just convinced myself that if the people who do want to inch their way closer to me can't commit to my personality then it's "goodbye, nice knowing you".

I'm a love killer, even if it's a beautiful thing. I can't control myself. It reminds me of a scene from the super fantastic, two thumbs up, sadly cancelled (like many great shows due to moronic television stations. ok I won't rant) from Wonderfalls, where Jaye stomps on Eric's Heart after it pops out of his chest (I sadly could not find the clip on youtube, but nonetheless urge that it is a must see show). It's sad because half of the dudes are pretty decent and would make great friends, but I'd rather shoot them down as early as possible than to play with their emotions, or hope, for a longer period of time. It's a horrid thing to do. I know. Although, some of them are so persistent I have no idea what to do other than be rather polite. I loathe leading people on. I feel sick to my stomach when they get the wrong idea. It's a sick game. It's human nature and i'm conviently picky.

Maybe i'm exaggerating, but for now i'd much appreciate that no one fall into their own theories that I may or may not have them in mind. I already know it's inevitable, but i won't talk further on this matter. It's mind-wrenching i know. Believe me, I've been driving myself to the edge of insanity lol.

KELCIE

Beginning

I honestly haven't written a blog since sophmore year. Blogging was a dead and gone habit only to be resurrected through the emotional turmoil that is the arrival of "changes" I am rather reluctant to greet. College is around the corner, and i still have no idea what i want to do with my life. Let me rephrase that. I still have no idea if I am willing to accept the life planned out for me underlying my parent's speeches. I know it's definately what's best for my future, and theirs, but is it whats best for me? What if the carefree life is what i'm looking for? What if it's the uptight professional? I have no clue! I just want to be a kid again. Childhood is truly bliss. In the land of sunshine, never-ending vacations, and grammar school nothing can go wrong, even if in reality it did. I'll just have to trudge through this funk. Surely the grass is greener on the other side. I'm guessing it's college cold feet. God I hope so.